One Year Ago…

One year ago today was the worst day of my life.  By far.

I gave birth to a beautiful little baby girl.  The doctor placed her on my chest and I held her tightly.  But she didn’t move or make a sound.  I looked down at her face and it was perfect. And I held my husband’s hand and we cried.

We cried a lot that day.  We had sad phone calls to make to friends and family.  We had to make arrangements for her body when we just wanted to hold her close.  We met with a priest and a psychologist who tried to help us deal with our pain.  And we took pictures.  We took a lot of pictures because they would be all we would ever get of our little baby Thalia.

One year later, the pain still grips us. We have a lot to be thankful for, mainly our beautiful second daughter, Cora.  But Cora is not a replacement.  Cora is Thalia’s little sister.  And we still miss Thalia every minute of every day.

I like to think that they know each other.  That they spent time together before Cora came to be with us.  Even now, when Cora is staring off into space, as little babies do, I like to think that Thalia is near. Maybe that sounds a little crazy or is just a coping mechanism, but it makes me feel better.

Today we will celebrate what would have been her first birthday.  We will think about the time that we did have with her and also about what she would be like as a 1-year old. And we will look at little Cora and be thankful for what we do have.